The Three Secret Parts of Me pt. 3.

Okay, this is by far going to be one of the hardest posts I'll ever make on this blog. It's simply because this relationship is the last one that I had, and it is the strongest one. I've only known him for a little while, but he really has shaped me, definitely.


His name, was Duckie.
Actually, his name was Caleb. Caleb Cook. Everyone called him Duckie, and I met him as Duckie. I met Duckie in June of 2011 We new each other for almost a year before we started dating, and we never really talked much in the between time. I was with Devin, you see? It all started when I was commenting on my best friend, Zeke's profile page on a status that he wrote. I commented saying that something was rad, and Caleb then commented on how I was really cool for saying it. He used another word that made me say that he was cool for saying that word as well...for some reason, I can't pull it out of my brain. Anyway, we talked about how we should become friends, and next thing you know? I get a friend request from him on Facebook.

Of course, I creeped on his photos after I accepted his friendship, and noticed that he was an incredibly huge, NERD. But, I liked that, because I'm a nerd as well. But I'm also a geek, and his interest in Doctor Who got me really intrigued in the rest of who he was. But, for the next six months, I was with Devin, and I barely ever looked at other guys because of him. Which is a good thing, because when I was with Devin, no one mattered...but if I looked anywhere towards Caleb...I would have lost my mind a lot earlier than I'd planned.

One night, I had a friend named Alex message me some very explicit things, and I was telling Devin about it. Devin got pissed and messaged Duckie/Caleb and started telling him to leave me alone or he was going to meet him anywhere and any time to kick his ass. I was so frustrated, I was afraid Devin had finally had it with me, and I was also afraid that he might have ruined a pretty good friendship with someone I'd like to meet in the future trips to Tallahassee that I hoped to be making. Devin bitched and bitched for hours and I tried to tell him that it wasn't Duckie that sent me the message, but he wouldn't have it for a while. Then, Caleb IMed me. I was scared to see the message, truthfully---I thought he was going to yell at me. At the time, I couldn't sense any reason WHY I should care what Caleb thought of me, but I just didn't want him to yell or be upset with me.

But, he wasn't angry with me. He was mad, don't get me wrong--he was pissed--, and Devin wasn't making it easier, he wasn't listening to him, he wasn't giving him any kind of leeway and wasn't listening to the fact that Duckie hadn't even sent me the message he was talking about. Duckie asked me how I was, and if I was okay. I told him that I was upset that Devin was doing this to him and that I was sorry.

Caleb told me it was alright, and that things would be okay and that all I had to do was try and get Devin to leave him alone. So, I tried. While I tried, I talked to Caleb, who told me that if I didn't get him to stop, Caleb was going to take him up on his offer. Which I really didn't want him to do because I didn't want Devin to lose his mind, and I didn't want Caleb to hurt Devin. I had a feeling Caleb could fight. I just took a deep breath and then I told Devin to chill.

Eventually, the fight calmed and they realized that they were okay with one another.

My relationship with Devin ended October 29th, and I got with Caleb on December 8th. Caleb was very nice to me for a very long time before then, but he was in a relationship. Then, he started texting me, and for about a week we talked 'romantically' and things and then I was talking to my best friend about wanting to be with him.



She told me not to give my heart away too quickly to someone who lived so far away again, because I'd done it twice before and I was bound to be hurt again. I believed her, and waited another week before I asked Caleb what I was to him. He told me, "I think of you as my girlfriend.." and that was all he really had to say, I just told him to ask me, and he did. We got together, and I broke the news to Lauren. She was happy for me and just told me to be careful. For the first month we were just cute and passionate. Then, the second month came around and we started fighting every other weekend. I had speech tournaments in which I would be gone for weeks and my cell phone would get turned off because I couldn't afford texting, and the only way we could talk was on my house phone.

When I was gone for speech trips we barely talked unless a friend of mine let me borrow her phone. I hated that, and it strained my relationship with him badly. I was falling for him so quickly I could barely hold on to the rails of the roller coaster car in front of me to be stable. We got really serious, he talked about what we would name our children, if we would name them Charles, like his family tradition had been, if I would move down there with him or if he would move with me. I had decided to move back down there because all of my friends were down there. Eventually, we had started a shared deviantart account called The Zombie and The Duck, what with my zombie addiction, and his nickname--it seemed to fit us. He told me to get online and see what he posted on our account.

It was a picture of him in a suit, holding something in his hand, and at the bottom it said, "Will You Marry Me?" So, I was blushing, and nearly dying like the fan girl I was for him...and I made a picture of me holding a dress and saying, "Yes, Yes, a thousand times yes!" a quote from my favorite novel, Pride and Prejudice.

I told him that we couldn't tell anyone for a while because I didn't want to it to cause a problem. He was sixteen. He said that was fine, but he wanted us to tell one person. He told Zeke--our mutual best friend--and I told Lauren, my best friend. So, technically we were engaged. I was in for it, again, for the third (and last) time.

Well... one weekend I told Caleb that I wanted to stay up here for college considering I got a scholarship that paid for the first four years of any college in Oklahoma that accepted me. I wanted to stay here so that I could get a good job when I moved down there. He acted like he was okay for it and said that he supported whatever decision I made, but I think the distance was getting to him. It was the second week of our third month when he said that.

Now, I realize that it was the distance getting to him, and the lack of sex. I'm not saying he was a pervert, I'm saying he was a sixteen year old boy. A lot of our fights were about me not wanting to be intimate over webcam. I don't have a problem with that, and I don't hold any of the questions he asked me against him. If I was a teenage boy whose girlfriend lived a thousand miles from me, I'd want to be intimate too. I don't hate him for that, nor do I resent him. Actually, I thank him. I am a lot more confident now and actually I love how I look. Big boned or not.

Thank you, Caleb, for doing that for me.

Back to the point. Caleb and I just got very distant and I found out that his uncle was in the hospital (R.I.P) for heart problems. I knew how he felt, my sister in law was in the hospital for a failed gall bladder surgery and she had to continue to go back, (and is still going in and out of the hospital each week for some fucked up surgery to fix her failed one). I wanted to help him, but when Caleb is upset, he desires to be left alone, and to only be left alone. Nothing I said could soothe him.

I thought we were on good terms the day before I went to my Districts speech tournament. I was to be gone three full days and would have my cell phone to keep in contact with him. We were happy when I left, and I told him that I loved him. When I got there, shit hit the fan, though. We fought, and I felt like he was ignoring me, so I asked him what was wrong. He just kept pushing himself away. Then, we fought and fought.

We continued to fight, and my days there at the tournament were bad. I hadn't placed, and I had run out of money the first day because it was so expensive in the town we were in. I was supposed to be there for three more days, and I had no damn money to eat with!

In the end, I told Caleb that I felt like he didn't want to be with me. So I told him that I was leaving him, because him distancing himself, was basically him ending it.

That's all he wanted to hear, I think. Because that's when he started ignoring me, getting pissed at me, and acting so unlike himself. Caleb was normally such a beautiful, sweet man and I loved every inch of him because of it. But now, he was mean. Like a man who had just walked in on his wife cheating on him. He acted like I was stupid, and made me cry every single night for weeks. He wouldn't let me say anything to him. I tried my best to get over him. But it's really hard to. I don't think I'm over him yet, even.

I deleted him off of my friendslist on facebook because I was tired of seeing his face on my updates, and not being able to talk to him. Seeing his statuses made me so sad, that I nearly cried every single time. It doesn't fucking matter though, you know? I'm sorry...I'm getting angry, but the thing is...I deleted him so that I could leave him alone. He didn't want me anyway. He hadn't spoken to me in days, and I had no connections with him. Even my friend Zeke started treating me differently. I talked to my friend Zach, who has become a great friend to me now, and he soothed me for a while.

Two days after I deleted him, Caleb fucking shit a brick about it. He messaged Zeke and told him that he was really hurt by it and that he really still loved me and that me deleting him was the last straw. I didn't understand, I felt like he had seriously slapped me in the face. Here I was, crying, and fucked up because he really hurt ME, and he ignored ME while I really loved him--and he's mad because I deleted him so that he could be free of me? I didn't understand it. However, I sniveled like a whining dog trying to get him to understand my point of view. I cried to Zeke, I cried to Caleb.

Caleb said, "I'm sick of talking to you Chelsey. We argue about the same thing over and over again. I'm tired of hearing it every two hours. You really hurt me. We're done."

It was the last thing he ever said to me, when he was actually talking TO me and not ABOUT me to Zeke.
Later, Zeke gets angry with me for pulling him into it, but I don't care, he was on Caleb's side to begin with, I thought.

He told Zeke that the reason he distanced us when we were dating is because he knew that I wouldn't be able to help him if his uncle died. Maybe he was right.

Caleb from that moment on, acted as if I was a burden as a human being, and made me hate myself. I hated everyone. I cried in class. Every day was sad. I was such a bullshit cry baby!


But now, things have changed. I still feel the same way about him, and it is just as strong as it was on December 8th 2011. I am so very much in love with Mr. Cook, and I probably always will be, but you know... he says I hurt him so badly by deleting him, he left me alone to fend for myself in a world where everyone thought I was an idiot for being in a relationship with him. For months I defended his name with friends would call him out on his issues. For months I saw only his face before I slept.

It took me a lot to push him to the nether regions of my mind, though. However, I have grown. I have moved on to see that he is happier now with his new girlfriend, and that she has helped him somehow. I hope so, at least. Caleb and I don't talk anymore, not about anything other than Dagorhir.

I look back at who I used to be, and I realize that I was immature, and naive to think that I could last with someone like Caleb. I am not a physical human being, and I don't need to express my emotions all of the time. Opposites attract, but if they are too opposite, they'll go away from each other.

I am a new person, and I know that if he reads this he probably wont understand half of what I'm saying, but he wont read it, because he doesn't even know me anymore. Caleb and I don't know each other, and we will never meet.


I suppose you can say, he is the one that got away from me.