The Three Secret Parts of Me pt 2

This is a continuation of my story of the ones who have shaped my emotional trek for the past four years. I have a lot of people in my mind right now, and to single out the three people who have stolen my heart and who have hurt me most is a very emotional thing for me. It's hard to see them again, and to revisit these emotions. However, I feel for my spiritual growth I must revisit, and get rid of these emotions.

His name, was Devin.
Devin Porostovsky. Let's see. In order to show you the true effect that this lovely man had on me. I'll have to go back to the very beginning of "us". Devin and I met in the seventh grade. I instantly liked the way that he looked. At the time he was taller than me, and rather chubby. (I'm sort of a chubby chaser, I suppose, even though it doesn't really matter to me.) He had platinum blonde hair and square black glasses. He always carried around this obnoxiously huge binder filled with all of his assignments so he didn't have to walk to his locker. He was sophisticated. At least that was my first impression of him. (Later, I find that this is still true.)

Devin was incredibly shy, however, and at that time in my life, I was almost fourteen in the beginning of the seventh grade. I was bleach blonde, wore black all of the time, had raccoon eye shadow, and was a loud talker and a vigorous laughter. I had the same choir class with him. Seventh hour. I Sat on the left alto side, first row. He sat somewhere in the middle, nearing the back. Tenor/Bass. I always loved a guy that could sing. For the longest time I wanted to talk to him, and would try..however like I said, he was incredibly shy. We only said ten words to each other that year, I'm sure. Then, nearing the middle of the school year, my best friend told me that she liked him, and I felt like I had to go all magick guru of love to those two, and I tried getting them together. They dated for about a week.

Next year, in eighth grade, I finally got the guts to ask him out. I don't really remember much how it went down, but I was so happy the next day. However, it was just really awkward with the both of us. It was eighth grade, now that I think about it, I find it kind of dumb that I got so upset about the break up. I had crushed on him for a long time, though, and we dated for like three weeks almost. We had a choir trip on the last week of our relationship, and we were gone for three days.

The whole time we were there, Devin sort of didn't talk, and acted all shy and awkward around me. I remember holding his hand. That's the only thing I can ever remember from Devin. It's sad, and kind of depressing if you think about it. All I wanted that day was to kiss him.

Later on the first day, we got into an argument, according to him, and I ran from him and ignored him for a little while.

I remember later on we went to this old town place, and I hung out with a good friend, Zach. Other than that, we went back to the hotel, and I had to get ready to leave the next morning.

Now, I am prone to cluster migraines, and I have to take St. John's Wort for mood stabilizing, and vitamins. I had them all in my backpack and right before we were to leave, I got a headache, and had forgotten to take my vitamins the last day so I had to take them again. I took all of my medicine at once, and then didn't have enough time to eat because we were being rushed out of the door. Well, as everyone is about seated on the bus, I feel sick to my stomach!

I got sick and all of that happy good times and then we went home.

About two days later I get a note from one of Devin's friends, and it's from him, telling me, "I think that you are a very great girl, but I also think that we just need to be friends. ~Devin". I was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fucking pissed. You don't understand the anger that I felt, and the sadness all at once. I walked into the lunch room during lunch, walked right into the middle of the line and screamed at him, cried, and asked him why.

See what I mean? I got so dramatically upset about it. It was ridiculous. Now that I look at it, of course, I was just sad. I guess I must have loved him.

~ ~ ~ ~

In the next year, we had both moved on to different high schools, and we never spoke to each other. After my freshman year, I met a wonderful girl and we had dated for seven or so months, and I had two or three failure relationships that I'm honestly glad didn't work out. I then found out that after five years of living in Tallahassee and wanting to come back to Oklahoma, that I'd have to move, right when I started liking it there. I was sad, but also excited. I invited a bunch of people to a farewell party at the skate park, and I had met Devin at the mall a few weeks earlier and said that he could come if he wanted to.

The only people who showed up were my best friends Fyrene, Chris and Tony. And... Devin.

When Fyrene and the others got in the car to leave us alone for a minute, Devin and I stood beside the car and talked about things. I remember looking at how tall he had gotten, how much weight he had lost, how soft his eyes were, and wanting to hug him so badly. I wanted to kiss him, frankly. But I guess that's just what he does to me, you know? We talked for a bit and then he gave me a hug goodbye when his dad came to get him.

That was the last day I ever saw him, and I literally cried to see him drive away.

He said he'd miss me and that he would text me. I was happy, because he kept his promise.

I had my phone for about seven months when I moved to Oklahoma until it was trashed and I didn't have it for about a year or so. But, it happened like this. Devin and I kept talking for a few weeks and then we dated. However, we broke up about a week later because he said he needed some time to get over his ex girlfriend Mary, who I have grown to hate. Of course, I understood and let him be.

In the mean time, I had gotten with Mathew, and was very happy. Devin just ignored me and kind of yelled at me when I would try to talk to him. He kept saying things like 'I just need time to get over you' and other bull crap like that. Now I see it as bullshit, but I can't help but be just a LITTLE resentful of Devin's little disappearing act.  When Mat and I broke up, I was seventeen and Devin and I got back together. It was January something when we got together next--our third time dating--and Then on Valentines Day Eve, I went to a V-day dance with a friend, and my friend Zevon tried to teach me to waltz (Which, I very obviously don't know how to do)  and Devin got angry with me.

His jealousy wasn't really a big deal to me, because I was secretly ten times more jealous than he was ever going to be in our relationship. But that night, he was just upset, and we broke up. I was at my Grandmother's house, crying in the middle of the night. I swore to the gods I'd never date him again.

I loved Devin so much, but, he hurt me bad.

 
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
In April of that year, about two months or so later, Devin started texting me again after not talking to me for two months, and I was so mad. I was so mad that he would even start talking to me again like nothing had changed. I didn't know how he saw me, or what he thought my heart was doing in that time alone. Long distance relationships are not easy, but they aren't always horribly hard. But, with my relationship with Devin,  I was always worried he'd leave me for no reason. Devin tried asking me out for a month before I said yes again. It was May 28th 2011 the day that we got together, and the day that we got engaged. I never told anyone that we got engaged the first day we got together, but I bought his ring and everything a few weeks later. We were serious. We were passionate.

I told Devin everything that I could have told him. Even the incredibly embarrassing things that he STILL knows to this day. For six months we were in love, and happy. Then, .. we just started having a rough patch. I still loved him every bit as much as I had before, but I was feeling like he was getting bored of me. So, out of spite I acted bored. I regret this so badly now, I do. I wish I hadn't done it, but there is no going back now. So, I couldn't get on the computer for four or five days and my phone had been off. Usually Devin called me when he needed me so I figured he would call me if something was going on. But he didn't call me for five days. I got on facebook and found out that he had changed his relationship status, and was now dating another girl named Olivia.

The hurt I felt can never be recreated, I don't think. For a few days I thought he'd been cheating and was just trying to give me up easily. Like ripping off a band aid or something. I cried. I wore the ring he bought me for our engagement around my neck for a long time. I still keep that thing locked away. I have parts of me that still love him, but he hurt me so bad, that I can't even pretend to ever forgive him for it. For two months, Devin ignored me, treated me like crap when I tried to talk to him, didn't even act as if he knew me, and actually deleted me from his friends list. I know that seems like something small, but for a long distance relationship a deleted friend on a list is a canceled relationship in real life. I feel like he hated me. He says he never did, but I feel like he did.

Now, my feelings toward Devin and his beautiful Olivia are much like a friend of a couple that belong together, and that's fine. I wont ever lie to Olivia, if she asks me, I will tell her that my love for him is still just as strong. But, I've put that energy toward being a good friend, and building a huge diamond wall around myself, so that he can never get that far into my soul again.

I thought Devin hurt me more than I could have ever be hurt before. I was never the same after that, my whole heart broke every single day after he left. I blogged about it, cried about it, and just hated every one.


Devin is now my friend, and I'd hope to have him as a best friend someday, but for now. I will stay away.