Okay, so this one is probably going to be a very long post, however, It is going to get the point across no matter what it does. I am going to first talk about my SEXUALITY which seems, to be questioned a lot lately. I have had friends that have been confused for the past four years on whether I was bisexual or not. For the past seven years I've thought that I was bisexual. Only recently have I figured out that my sexual preferences hold no bound. I have officially declared myself a Pansexual. I will describe that later on. My main point here is that there has been some serious discrimination going on lately. I am just getting sick and tired of people caring about who is dating who.
My point is, whoever I kiss is no one's business first of all--but second of all, I don't think it's causing anyone physical pain . The day that it causes physical pain than I'll check myself, but I don't ever see that fucking happening. I'm sorry, I lose my temper when it comes to this stuff. I feel like people don't even look at the things that they do and say to others when they talk about this stuff.
I understand if you're uncomfortable around people of different sexuality when you don't know anything about their preferences, but if you are educated on the fact that just because someone is gay that it doesn't mean that he is into every single man on this earth and that you may be the ugly betty of his interests and you are uncomfortable around them...then you're just a douche.
I am trying my hardest not to lose my temper, because honestly...My girlfriend is one of the sweetest girls I've ever met in my life. My boyfriends have been dickheads, assholes, and horrible men. Not all of them, of course, but the point is, I've met bad girlfriends/boyfriends and our relationships have never been any damn different than a straight couples. We fight, we watch T.V, we laugh about stupid things, we play video games, we wake up every morning, go to work or school, live our lives and on the outside, you'd never know we were lesbians unless you asked us--and by that time, it's your own fault for asking if you didn't want to know.
PDA is another thing. Public Displays of Affection. Let me tell you one thing, Straight people hold hands, kiss, grind up on each other, and do other things in public, yet when any kind of same-sex couple even looks at each other lovingly, or posts a cute picture of them holding hands on facebook--the whole world just had the worst thing happen to them and they have to feel all of this horrible pain--BULLSHIT. It's just bullshit, that's what all of this is.
People, you just need to get your closed minded heads out of your tight assholes.
Pardon my french, I'm a tad bit irritated. :]
Saturday, May 26, 2012
The beautiful things...
Her name, is Katie.
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| Katie is the one on the right. :) Their both named Katie (Caty) but MY baby is on the right :D |
This girl, is my current heartstring. She and I have known each other for two years now. She moved to my school the first of my Junior year, and on the first day, we started hanging out. She was one of about twenty something new kids and I wanted to meet her. She's short, and beautiful. We haven't had a lot of times to get closer to each other, and honestly with my last relationships feelings still hurting me, I told Katie that I was sorry if I ever hurt her. She's such a sweet girl and I owe her a lot of gratitude for my sanity.
Oddly enough, she's one of the most insane people in this world. She's very open about her emotions, and isn't afraid to tell me anything. She's also told me a lot of her horrible past, things that I could have lived without knowing for a while. But, all in all, I care for her.
I won't say that I love her, though. Not at least,...yet. She's kind and I am happy when I am around her. She has a pretty mouth, and enchanting eyes. Her hair is so pretty and her voice is soft. She's loved me for a while, according to her, and I could be worse off with someone. At least I know she is here for me. I know that we are going to have issues, because I've been with men more than women, and I'm sure that I am probably one of the most awkward girlfriends when I am with a woman. However, I do know how I feel about her, and it's definitely more than I should feel about someone who is just going to be my friend.
I asked her out, and I knew that when I did, I'd be biting the dust with a couple of my friends, because a lot of them seriously don't like her. I told them all that frankly, I like her and that's all that matters. So, I am currently very happy.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
The Three Secret Parts of Me pt. 3.
Okay, this is by far going to be one of the hardest posts I'll ever make on this blog. It's simply because this relationship is the last one that I had, and it is the strongest one. I've only known him for a little while, but he really has shaped me, definitely.
His name, was Duckie.
Actually, his name was Caleb. Caleb Cook. Everyone called him Duckie, and I met him as Duckie. I met Duckie in June of 2011 We new each other for almost a year before we started dating, and we never really talked much in the between time. I was with Devin, you see? It all started when I was commenting on my best friend, Zeke's profile page on a status that he wrote. I commented saying that something was rad, and Caleb then commented on how I was really cool for saying it. He used another word that made me say that he was cool for saying that word as well...for some reason, I can't pull it out of my brain. Anyway, we talked about how we should become friends, and next thing you know? I get a friend request from him on Facebook.
Of course, I creeped on his photos after I accepted his friendship, and noticed that he was an incredibly huge, NERD. But, I liked that, because I'm a nerd as well. But I'm also a geek, and his interest in Doctor Who got me really intrigued in the rest of who he was. But, for the next six months, I was with Devin, and I barely ever looked at other guys because of him. Which is a good thing, because when I was with Devin, no one mattered...but if I looked anywhere towards Caleb...I would have lost my mind a lot earlier than I'd planned.
One night, I had a friend named Alex message me some very explicit things, and I was telling Devin about it. Devin got pissed and messaged Duckie/Caleb and started telling him to leave me alone or he was going to meet him anywhere and any time to kick his ass. I was so frustrated, I was afraid Devin had finally had it with me, and I was also afraid that he might have ruined a pretty good friendship with someone I'd like to meet in the future trips to Tallahassee that I hoped to be making. Devin bitched and bitched for hours and I tried to tell him that it wasn't Duckie that sent me the message, but he wouldn't have it for a while. Then, Caleb IMed me. I was scared to see the message, truthfully---I thought he was going to yell at me. At the time, I couldn't sense any reason WHY I should care what Caleb thought of me, but I just didn't want him to yell or be upset with me.
But, he wasn't angry with me. He was mad, don't get me wrong--he was pissed--, and Devin wasn't making it easier, he wasn't listening to him, he wasn't giving him any kind of leeway and wasn't listening to the fact that Duckie hadn't even sent me the message he was talking about. Duckie asked me how I was, and if I was okay. I told him that I was upset that Devin was doing this to him and that I was sorry.
Caleb told me it was alright, and that things would be okay and that all I had to do was try and get Devin to leave him alone. So, I tried. While I tried, I talked to Caleb, who told me that if I didn't get him to stop, Caleb was going to take him up on his offer. Which I really didn't want him to do because I didn't want Devin to lose his mind, and I didn't want Caleb to hurt Devin. I had a feeling Caleb could fight. I just took a deep breath and then I told Devin to chill.
Eventually, the fight calmed and they realized that they were okay with one another.
My relationship with Devin ended October 29th, and I got with Caleb on December 8th. Caleb was very nice to me for a very long time before then, but he was in a relationship. Then, he started texting me, and for about a week we talked 'romantically' and things and then I was talking to my best friend about wanting to be with him.
She told me not to give my heart away too quickly to someone who lived so far away again, because I'd done it twice before and I was bound to be hurt again. I believed her, and waited another week before I asked Caleb what I was to him. He told me, "I think of you as my girlfriend.." and that was all he really had to say, I just told him to ask me, and he did. We got together, and I broke the news to Lauren. She was happy for me and just told me to be careful. For the first month we were just cute and passionate. Then, the second month came around and we started fighting every other weekend. I had speech tournaments in which I would be gone for weeks and my cell phone would get turned off because I couldn't afford texting, and the only way we could talk was on my house phone.
When I was gone for speech trips we barely talked unless a friend of mine let me borrow her phone. I hated that, and it strained my relationship with him badly. I was falling for him so quickly I could barely hold on to the rails of the roller coaster car in front of me to be stable. We got really serious, he talked about what we would name our children, if we would name them Charles, like his family tradition had been, if I would move down there with him or if he would move with me. I had decided to move back down there because all of my friends were down there. Eventually, we had started a shared deviantart account called The Zombie and The Duck, what with my zombie addiction, and his nickname--it seemed to fit us. He told me to get online and see what he posted on our account.
It was a picture of him in a suit, holding something in his hand, and at the bottom it said, "Will You Marry Me?" So, I was blushing, and nearly dying like the fan girl I was for him...and I made a picture of me holding a dress and saying, "Yes, Yes, a thousand times yes!" a quote from my favorite novel, Pride and Prejudice.
I told him that we couldn't tell anyone for a while because I didn't want to it to cause a problem. He was sixteen. He said that was fine, but he wanted us to tell one person. He told Zeke--our mutual best friend--and I told Lauren, my best friend. So, technically we were engaged. I was in for it, again, for the third (and last) time.
Well... one weekend I told Caleb that I wanted to stay up here for college considering I got a scholarship that paid for the first four years of any college in Oklahoma that accepted me. I wanted to stay here so that I could get a good job when I moved down there. He acted like he was okay for it and said that he supported whatever decision I made, but I think the distance was getting to him. It was the second week of our third month when he said that.
Now, I realize that it was the distance getting to him, and the lack of sex. I'm not saying he was a pervert, I'm saying he was a sixteen year old boy. A lot of our fights were about me not wanting to be intimate over webcam. I don't have a problem with that, and I don't hold any of the questions he asked me against him. If I was a teenage boy whose girlfriend lived a thousand miles from me, I'd want to be intimate too. I don't hate him for that, nor do I resent him. Actually, I thank him. I am a lot more confident now and actually I love how I look. Big boned or not.
Thank you, Caleb, for doing that for me.
Back to the point. Caleb and I just got very distant and I found out that his uncle was in the hospital (R.I.P) for heart problems. I knew how he felt, my sister in law was in the hospital for a failed gall bladder surgery and she had to continue to go back, (and is still going in and out of the hospital each week for some fucked up surgery to fix her failed one). I wanted to help him, but when Caleb is upset, he desires to be left alone, and to only be left alone. Nothing I said could soothe him.
I thought we were on good terms the day before I went to my Districts speech tournament. I was to be gone three full days and would have my cell phone to keep in contact with him. We were happy when I left, and I told him that I loved him. When I got there, shit hit the fan, though. We fought, and I felt like he was ignoring me, so I asked him what was wrong. He just kept pushing himself away. Then, we fought and fought.
We continued to fight, and my days there at the tournament were bad. I hadn't placed, and I had run out of money the first day because it was so expensive in the town we were in. I was supposed to be there for three more days, and I had no damn money to eat with!
In the end, I told Caleb that I felt like he didn't want to be with me. So I told him that I was leaving him, because him distancing himself, was basically him ending it.
That's all he wanted to hear, I think. Because that's when he started ignoring me, getting pissed at me, and acting so unlike himself. Caleb was normally such a beautiful, sweet man and I loved every inch of him because of it. But now, he was mean. Like a man who had just walked in on his wife cheating on him. He acted like I was stupid, and made me cry every single night for weeks. He wouldn't let me say anything to him. I tried my best to get over him. But it's really hard to. I don't think I'm over him yet, even.
I deleted him off of my friendslist on facebook because I was tired of seeing his face on my updates, and not being able to talk to him. Seeing his statuses made me so sad, that I nearly cried every single time. It doesn't fucking matter though, you know? I'm sorry...I'm getting angry, but the thing is...I deleted him so that I could leave him alone. He didn't want me anyway. He hadn't spoken to me in days, and I had no connections with him. Even my friend Zeke started treating me differently. I talked to my friend Zach, who has become a great friend to me now, and he soothed me for a while.
Two days after I deleted him, Caleb fucking shit a brick about it. He messaged Zeke and told him that he was really hurt by it and that he really still loved me and that me deleting him was the last straw. I didn't understand, I felt like he had seriously slapped me in the face. Here I was, crying, and fucked up because he really hurt ME, and he ignored ME while I really loved him--and he's mad because I deleted him so that he could be free of me? I didn't understand it. However, I sniveled like a whining dog trying to get him to understand my point of view. I cried to Zeke, I cried to Caleb.
Caleb said, "I'm sick of talking to you Chelsey. We argue about the same thing over and over again. I'm tired of hearing it every two hours. You really hurt me. We're done."
It was the last thing he ever said to me, when he was actually talking TO me and not ABOUT me to Zeke.
Later, Zeke gets angry with me for pulling him into it, but I don't care, he was on Caleb's side to begin with, I thought.
He told Zeke that the reason he distanced us when we were dating is because he knew that I wouldn't be able to help him if his uncle died. Maybe he was right.
Caleb from that moment on, acted as if I was a burden as a human being, and made me hate myself. I hated everyone. I cried in class. Every day was sad. I was such a bullshit cry baby!
But now, things have changed. I still feel the same way about him, and it is just as strong as it was on December 8th 2011. I am so very much in love with Mr. Cook, and I probably always will be, but you know... he says I hurt him so badly by deleting him, he left me alone to fend for myself in a world where everyone thought I was an idiot for being in a relationship with him. For months I defended his name with friends would call him out on his issues. For months I saw only his face before I slept.
It took me a lot to push him to the nether regions of my mind, though. However, I have grown. I have moved on to see that he is happier now with his new girlfriend, and that she has helped him somehow. I hope so, at least. Caleb and I don't talk anymore, not about anything other than Dagorhir.
I look back at who I used to be, and I realize that I was immature, and naive to think that I could last with someone like Caleb. I am not a physical human being, and I don't need to express my emotions all of the time. Opposites attract, but if they are too opposite, they'll go away from each other.
I am a new person, and I know that if he reads this he probably wont understand half of what I'm saying, but he wont read it, because he doesn't even know me anymore. Caleb and I don't know each other, and we will never meet.
I suppose you can say, he is the one that got away from me.
His name, was Duckie.
Actually, his name was Caleb. Caleb Cook. Everyone called him Duckie, and I met him as Duckie. I met Duckie in June of 2011 We new each other for almost a year before we started dating, and we never really talked much in the between time. I was with Devin, you see? It all started when I was commenting on my best friend, Zeke's profile page on a status that he wrote. I commented saying that something was rad, and Caleb then commented on how I was really cool for saying it. He used another word that made me say that he was cool for saying that word as well...for some reason, I can't pull it out of my brain. Anyway, we talked about how we should become friends, and next thing you know? I get a friend request from him on Facebook.Of course, I creeped on his photos after I accepted his friendship, and noticed that he was an incredibly huge, NERD. But, I liked that, because I'm a nerd as well. But I'm also a geek, and his interest in Doctor Who got me really intrigued in the rest of who he was. But, for the next six months, I was with Devin, and I barely ever looked at other guys because of him. Which is a good thing, because when I was with Devin, no one mattered...but if I looked anywhere towards Caleb...I would have lost my mind a lot earlier than I'd planned.
One night, I had a friend named Alex message me some very explicit things, and I was telling Devin about it. Devin got pissed and messaged Duckie/Caleb and started telling him to leave me alone or he was going to meet him anywhere and any time to kick his ass. I was so frustrated, I was afraid Devin had finally had it with me, and I was also afraid that he might have ruined a pretty good friendship with someone I'd like to meet in the future trips to Tallahassee that I hoped to be making. Devin bitched and bitched for hours and I tried to tell him that it wasn't Duckie that sent me the message, but he wouldn't have it for a while. Then, Caleb IMed me. I was scared to see the message, truthfully---I thought he was going to yell at me. At the time, I couldn't sense any reason WHY I should care what Caleb thought of me, but I just didn't want him to yell or be upset with me.But, he wasn't angry with me. He was mad, don't get me wrong--he was pissed--, and Devin wasn't making it easier, he wasn't listening to him, he wasn't giving him any kind of leeway and wasn't listening to the fact that Duckie hadn't even sent me the message he was talking about. Duckie asked me how I was, and if I was okay. I told him that I was upset that Devin was doing this to him and that I was sorry.
Caleb told me it was alright, and that things would be okay and that all I had to do was try and get Devin to leave him alone. So, I tried. While I tried, I talked to Caleb, who told me that if I didn't get him to stop, Caleb was going to take him up on his offer. Which I really didn't want him to do because I didn't want Devin to lose his mind, and I didn't want Caleb to hurt Devin. I had a feeling Caleb could fight. I just took a deep breath and then I told Devin to chill.Eventually, the fight calmed and they realized that they were okay with one another.
My relationship with Devin ended October 29th, and I got with Caleb on December 8th. Caleb was very nice to me for a very long time before then, but he was in a relationship. Then, he started texting me, and for about a week we talked 'romantically' and things and then I was talking to my best friend about wanting to be with him.She told me not to give my heart away too quickly to someone who lived so far away again, because I'd done it twice before and I was bound to be hurt again. I believed her, and waited another week before I asked Caleb what I was to him. He told me, "I think of you as my girlfriend.." and that was all he really had to say, I just told him to ask me, and he did. We got together, and I broke the news to Lauren. She was happy for me and just told me to be careful. For the first month we were just cute and passionate. Then, the second month came around and we started fighting every other weekend. I had speech tournaments in which I would be gone for weeks and my cell phone would get turned off because I couldn't afford texting, and the only way we could talk was on my house phone.
When I was gone for speech trips we barely talked unless a friend of mine let me borrow her phone. I hated that, and it strained my relationship with him badly. I was falling for him so quickly I could barely hold on to the rails of the roller coaster car in front of me to be stable. We got really serious, he talked about what we would name our children, if we would name them Charles, like his family tradition had been, if I would move down there with him or if he would move with me. I had decided to move back down there because all of my friends were down there. Eventually, we had started a shared deviantart account called The Zombie and The Duck, what with my zombie addiction, and his nickname--it seemed to fit us. He told me to get online and see what he posted on our account.
It was a picture of him in a suit, holding something in his hand, and at the bottom it said, "Will You Marry Me?" So, I was blushing, and nearly dying like the fan girl I was for him...and I made a picture of me holding a dress and saying, "Yes, Yes, a thousand times yes!" a quote from my favorite novel, Pride and Prejudice.
I told him that we couldn't tell anyone for a while because I didn't want to it to cause a problem. He was sixteen. He said that was fine, but he wanted us to tell one person. He told Zeke--our mutual best friend--and I told Lauren, my best friend. So, technically we were engaged. I was in for it, again, for the third (and last) time.Well... one weekend I told Caleb that I wanted to stay up here for college considering I got a scholarship that paid for the first four years of any college in Oklahoma that accepted me. I wanted to stay here so that I could get a good job when I moved down there. He acted like he was okay for it and said that he supported whatever decision I made, but I think the distance was getting to him. It was the second week of our third month when he said that.
Now, I realize that it was the distance getting to him, and the lack of sex. I'm not saying he was a pervert, I'm saying he was a sixteen year old boy. A lot of our fights were about me not wanting to be intimate over webcam. I don't have a problem with that, and I don't hold any of the questions he asked me against him. If I was a teenage boy whose girlfriend lived a thousand miles from me, I'd want to be intimate too. I don't hate him for that, nor do I resent him. Actually, I thank him. I am a lot more confident now and actually I love how I look. Big boned or not.
Thank you, Caleb, for doing that for me.
Back to the point. Caleb and I just got very distant and I found out that his uncle was in the hospital (R.I.P) for heart problems. I knew how he felt, my sister in law was in the hospital for a failed gall bladder surgery and she had to continue to go back, (and is still going in and out of the hospital each week for some fucked up surgery to fix her failed one). I wanted to help him, but when Caleb is upset, he desires to be left alone, and to only be left alone. Nothing I said could soothe him.
I thought we were on good terms the day before I went to my Districts speech tournament. I was to be gone three full days and would have my cell phone to keep in contact with him. We were happy when I left, and I told him that I loved him. When I got there, shit hit the fan, though. We fought, and I felt like he was ignoring me, so I asked him what was wrong. He just kept pushing himself away. Then, we fought and fought.
We continued to fight, and my days there at the tournament were bad. I hadn't placed, and I had run out of money the first day because it was so expensive in the town we were in. I was supposed to be there for three more days, and I had no damn money to eat with!
In the end, I told Caleb that I felt like he didn't want to be with me. So I told him that I was leaving him, because him distancing himself, was basically him ending it.
That's all he wanted to hear, I think. Because that's when he started ignoring me, getting pissed at me, and acting so unlike himself. Caleb was normally such a beautiful, sweet man and I loved every inch of him because of it. But now, he was mean. Like a man who had just walked in on his wife cheating on him. He acted like I was stupid, and made me cry every single night for weeks. He wouldn't let me say anything to him. I tried my best to get over him. But it's really hard to. I don't think I'm over him yet, even.
I deleted him off of my friendslist on facebook because I was tired of seeing his face on my updates, and not being able to talk to him. Seeing his statuses made me so sad, that I nearly cried every single time. It doesn't fucking matter though, you know? I'm sorry...I'm getting angry, but the thing is...I deleted him so that I could leave him alone. He didn't want me anyway. He hadn't spoken to me in days, and I had no connections with him. Even my friend Zeke started treating me differently. I talked to my friend Zach, who has become a great friend to me now, and he soothed me for a while.
Two days after I deleted him, Caleb fucking shit a brick about it. He messaged Zeke and told him that he was really hurt by it and that he really still loved me and that me deleting him was the last straw. I didn't understand, I felt like he had seriously slapped me in the face. Here I was, crying, and fucked up because he really hurt ME, and he ignored ME while I really loved him--and he's mad because I deleted him so that he could be free of me? I didn't understand it. However, I sniveled like a whining dog trying to get him to understand my point of view. I cried to Zeke, I cried to Caleb.
Caleb said, "I'm sick of talking to you Chelsey. We argue about the same thing over and over again. I'm tired of hearing it every two hours. You really hurt me. We're done."
It was the last thing he ever said to me, when he was actually talking TO me and not ABOUT me to Zeke.
Later, Zeke gets angry with me for pulling him into it, but I don't care, he was on Caleb's side to begin with, I thought.
He told Zeke that the reason he distanced us when we were dating is because he knew that I wouldn't be able to help him if his uncle died. Maybe he was right.
Caleb from that moment on, acted as if I was a burden as a human being, and made me hate myself. I hated everyone. I cried in class. Every day was sad. I was such a bullshit cry baby!
But now, things have changed. I still feel the same way about him, and it is just as strong as it was on December 8th 2011. I am so very much in love with Mr. Cook, and I probably always will be, but you know... he says I hurt him so badly by deleting him, he left me alone to fend for myself in a world where everyone thought I was an idiot for being in a relationship with him. For months I defended his name with friends would call him out on his issues. For months I saw only his face before I slept.
It took me a lot to push him to the nether regions of my mind, though. However, I have grown. I have moved on to see that he is happier now with his new girlfriend, and that she has helped him somehow. I hope so, at least. Caleb and I don't talk anymore, not about anything other than Dagorhir.
I look back at who I used to be, and I realize that I was immature, and naive to think that I could last with someone like Caleb. I am not a physical human being, and I don't need to express my emotions all of the time. Opposites attract, but if they are too opposite, they'll go away from each other.
I am a new person, and I know that if he reads this he probably wont understand half of what I'm saying, but he wont read it, because he doesn't even know me anymore. Caleb and I don't know each other, and we will never meet.
I suppose you can say, he is the one that got away from me.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
The Three Secret Parts of Me pt 2
This is a continuation of my story of the ones who have shaped my emotional trek for the past four years. I have a lot of people in my mind right now, and to single out the three people who have stolen my heart and who have hurt me most is a very emotional thing for me. It's hard to see them again, and to revisit these emotions. However, I feel for my spiritual growth I must revisit, and get rid of these emotions.
His name, was Devin.
Devin Porostovsky. Let's see. In order to show you the true effect that this lovely man had on me. I'll have to go back to the very beginning of "us". Devin and I met in the seventh grade. I instantly liked the way that he looked. At the time he was taller than me, and rather chubby. (I'm sort of a chubby chaser, I suppose, even though it doesn't really matter to me.) He had platinum blonde hair and square black glasses. He always carried around this obnoxiously huge binder filled with all of his assignments so he didn't have to walk to his locker. He was sophisticated. At least that was my first impression of him. (Later, I find that this is still true.)
Devin was incredibly shy, however, and at that time in my life, I was almost fourteen in the beginning of the seventh grade. I was bleach blonde, wore black all of the time, had raccoon eye shadow, and was a loud talker and a vigorous laughter. I had the same choir class with him. Seventh hour. I Sat on the left alto side, first row. He sat somewhere in the middle, nearing the back. Tenor/Bass. I always loved a guy that could sing. For the longest time I wanted to talk to him, and would try..however like I said, he was incredibly shy. We only said ten words to each other that year, I'm sure. Then, nearing the middle of the school year, my best friend told me that she liked him, and I felt like I had to go all magick guru of love to those two, and I tried getting them together. They dated for about a week.
Next year, in eighth grade, I finally got the guts to ask him out. I don't really remember much how it went down, but I was so happy the next day. However, it was just really awkward with the both of us. It was eighth grade, now that I think about it, I find it kind of dumb that I got so upset about the break up. I had crushed on him for a long time, though, and we dated for like three weeks almost. We had a choir trip on the last week of our relationship, and we were gone for three days.
The whole time we were there, Devin sort of didn't talk, and acted all shy and awkward around me. I remember holding his hand. That's the only thing I can ever remember from Devin. It's sad, and kind of depressing if you think about it. All I wanted that day was to kiss him.
Later on the first day, we got into an argument, according to him, and I ran from him and ignored him for a little while.
I remember later on we went to this old town place, and I hung out with a good friend, Zach. Other than that, we went back to the hotel, and I had to get ready to leave the next morning.
Now, I am prone to cluster migraines, and I have to take St. John's Wort for mood stabilizing, and vitamins. I had them all in my backpack and right before we were to leave, I got a headache, and had forgotten to take my vitamins the last day so I had to take them again. I took all of my medicine at once, and then didn't have enough time to eat because we were being rushed out of the door. Well, as everyone is about seated on the bus, I feel sick to my stomach!
I got sick and all of that happy good times and then we went home.
About two days later I get a note from one of Devin's friends, and it's from him, telling me, "I think that you are a very great girl, but I also think that we just need to be friends. ~Devin". I was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fucking pissed. You don't understand the anger that I felt, and the sadness all at once. I walked into the lunch room during lunch, walked right into the middle of the line and screamed at him, cried, and asked him why.
See what I mean? I got so dramatically upset about it. It was ridiculous. Now that I look at it, of course, I was just sad. I guess I must have loved him.
~ ~ ~ ~
In the next year, we had both moved on to different high schools, and we never spoke to each other. After my freshman year, I met a wonderful girl and we had dated for seven or so months, and I had two or three failure relationships that I'm honestly glad didn't work out. I then found out that after five years of living in Tallahassee and wanting to come back to Oklahoma, that I'd have to move, right when I started liking it there. I was sad, but also excited. I invited a bunch of people to a farewell party at the skate park, and I had met Devin at the mall a few weeks earlier and said that he could come if he wanted to.
The only people who showed up were my best friends Fyrene, Chris and Tony. And... Devin.
When Fyrene and the others got in the car to leave us alone for a minute, Devin and I stood beside the car and talked about things. I remember looking at how tall he had gotten, how much weight he had lost, how soft his eyes were, and wanting to hug him so badly. I wanted to kiss him, frankly. But I guess that's just what he does to me, you know? We talked for a bit and then he gave me a hug goodbye when his dad came to get him.
That was the last day I ever saw him, and I literally cried to see him drive away.
He said he'd miss me and that he would text me. I was happy, because he kept his promise.
I had my phone for about seven months when I moved to Oklahoma until it was trashed and I didn't have it for about a year or so. But, it happened like this. Devin and I kept talking for a few weeks and then we dated. However, we broke up about a week later because he said he needed some time to get over his ex girlfriend Mary, who I have grown to hate. Of course, I understood and let him be.
In the mean time, I had gotten with Mathew, and was very happy. Devin just ignored me and kind of yelled at me when I would try to talk to him. He kept saying things like 'I just need time to get over you' and other bull crap like that. Now I see it as bullshit, but I can't help but be just a LITTLE resentful of Devin's little disappearing act. When Mat and I broke up, I was seventeen and Devin and I got back together. It was January something when we got together next--our third time dating--and Then on Valentines Day Eve, I went to a V-day dance with a friend, and my friend Zevon tried to teach me to waltz (Which, I very obviously don't know how to do) and Devin got angry with me.
His jealousy wasn't really a big deal to me, because I was secretly ten times more jealous than he was ever going to be in our relationship. But that night, he was just upset, and we broke up. I was at my Grandmother's house, crying in the middle of the night. I swore to the gods I'd never date him again.
I loved Devin so much, but, he hurt me bad.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
In April of that year, about two months or so later, Devin started texting me again after not talking to me for two months, and I was so mad. I was so mad that he would even start talking to me again like nothing had changed. I didn't know how he saw me, or what he thought my heart was doing in that time alone. Long distance relationships are not easy, but they aren't always horribly hard. But, with my relationship with Devin, I was always worried he'd leave me for no reason. Devin tried asking me out for a month before I said yes again. It was May 28th 2011 the day that we got together, and the day that we got engaged. I never told anyone that we got engaged the first day we got together, but I bought his ring and everything a few weeks later. We were serious. We were passionate.
I told Devin everything that I could have told him. Even the incredibly embarrassing things that he STILL knows to this day. For six months we were in love, and happy. Then, .. we just started having a rough patch. I still loved him every bit as much as I had before, but I was feeling like he was getting bored of me. So, out of spite I acted bored. I regret this so badly now, I do. I wish I hadn't done it, but there is no going back now. So, I couldn't get on the computer for four or five days and my phone had been off. Usually Devin called me when he needed me so I figured he would call me if something was going on. But he didn't call me for five days. I got on facebook and found out that he had changed his relationship status, and was now dating another girl named Olivia.
The hurt I felt can never be recreated, I don't think. For a few days I thought he'd been cheating and was just trying to give me up easily. Like ripping off a band aid or something. I cried. I wore the ring he bought me for our engagement around my neck for a long time. I still keep that thing locked away. I have parts of me that still love him, but he hurt me so bad, that I can't even pretend to ever forgive him for it. For two months, Devin ignored me, treated me like crap when I tried to talk to him, didn't even act as if he knew me, and actually deleted me from his friends list. I know that seems like something small, but for a long distance relationship a deleted friend on a list is a canceled relationship in real life. I feel like he hated me. He says he never did, but I feel like he did.
Now, my feelings toward Devin and his beautiful Olivia are much like a friend of a couple that belong together, and that's fine. I wont ever lie to Olivia, if she asks me, I will tell her that my love for him is still just as strong. But, I've put that energy toward being a good friend, and building a huge diamond wall around myself, so that he can never get that far into my soul again.
I thought Devin hurt me more than I could have ever be hurt before. I was never the same after that, my whole heart broke every single day after he left. I blogged about it, cried about it, and just hated every one.
Devin is now my friend, and I'd hope to have him as a best friend someday, but for now. I will stay away.
His name, was Devin.
Devin Porostovsky. Let's see. In order to show you the true effect that this lovely man had on me. I'll have to go back to the very beginning of "us". Devin and I met in the seventh grade. I instantly liked the way that he looked. At the time he was taller than me, and rather chubby. (I'm sort of a chubby chaser, I suppose, even though it doesn't really matter to me.) He had platinum blonde hair and square black glasses. He always carried around this obnoxiously huge binder filled with all of his assignments so he didn't have to walk to his locker. He was sophisticated. At least that was my first impression of him. (Later, I find that this is still true.)Devin was incredibly shy, however, and at that time in my life, I was almost fourteen in the beginning of the seventh grade. I was bleach blonde, wore black all of the time, had raccoon eye shadow, and was a loud talker and a vigorous laughter. I had the same choir class with him. Seventh hour. I Sat on the left alto side, first row. He sat somewhere in the middle, nearing the back. Tenor/Bass. I always loved a guy that could sing. For the longest time I wanted to talk to him, and would try..however like I said, he was incredibly shy. We only said ten words to each other that year, I'm sure. Then, nearing the middle of the school year, my best friend told me that she liked him, and I felt like I had to go all magick guru of love to those two, and I tried getting them together. They dated for about a week.
Next year, in eighth grade, I finally got the guts to ask him out. I don't really remember much how it went down, but I was so happy the next day. However, it was just really awkward with the both of us. It was eighth grade, now that I think about it, I find it kind of dumb that I got so upset about the break up. I had crushed on him for a long time, though, and we dated for like three weeks almost. We had a choir trip on the last week of our relationship, and we were gone for three days.
The whole time we were there, Devin sort of didn't talk, and acted all shy and awkward around me. I remember holding his hand. That's the only thing I can ever remember from Devin. It's sad, and kind of depressing if you think about it. All I wanted that day was to kiss him.
Later on the first day, we got into an argument, according to him, and I ran from him and ignored him for a little while.
I remember later on we went to this old town place, and I hung out with a good friend, Zach. Other than that, we went back to the hotel, and I had to get ready to leave the next morning.
Now, I am prone to cluster migraines, and I have to take St. John's Wort for mood stabilizing, and vitamins. I had them all in my backpack and right before we were to leave, I got a headache, and had forgotten to take my vitamins the last day so I had to take them again. I took all of my medicine at once, and then didn't have enough time to eat because we were being rushed out of the door. Well, as everyone is about seated on the bus, I feel sick to my stomach!
I got sick and all of that happy good times and then we went home.
About two days later I get a note from one of Devin's friends, and it's from him, telling me, "I think that you are a very great girl, but I also think that we just need to be friends. ~Devin". I was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fucking pissed. You don't understand the anger that I felt, and the sadness all at once. I walked into the lunch room during lunch, walked right into the middle of the line and screamed at him, cried, and asked him why.
See what I mean? I got so dramatically upset about it. It was ridiculous. Now that I look at it, of course, I was just sad. I guess I must have loved him.
~ ~ ~ ~
In the next year, we had both moved on to different high schools, and we never spoke to each other. After my freshman year, I met a wonderful girl and we had dated for seven or so months, and I had two or three failure relationships that I'm honestly glad didn't work out. I then found out that after five years of living in Tallahassee and wanting to come back to Oklahoma, that I'd have to move, right when I started liking it there. I was sad, but also excited. I invited a bunch of people to a farewell party at the skate park, and I had met Devin at the mall a few weeks earlier and said that he could come if he wanted to.
The only people who showed up were my best friends Fyrene, Chris and Tony. And... Devin.
When Fyrene and the others got in the car to leave us alone for a minute, Devin and I stood beside the car and talked about things. I remember looking at how tall he had gotten, how much weight he had lost, how soft his eyes were, and wanting to hug him so badly. I wanted to kiss him, frankly. But I guess that's just what he does to me, you know? We talked for a bit and then he gave me a hug goodbye when his dad came to get him.
That was the last day I ever saw him, and I literally cried to see him drive away.
He said he'd miss me and that he would text me. I was happy, because he kept his promise.
I had my phone for about seven months when I moved to Oklahoma until it was trashed and I didn't have it for about a year or so. But, it happened like this. Devin and I kept talking for a few weeks and then we dated. However, we broke up about a week later because he said he needed some time to get over his ex girlfriend Mary, who I have grown to hate. Of course, I understood and let him be.
In the mean time, I had gotten with Mathew, and was very happy. Devin just ignored me and kind of yelled at me when I would try to talk to him. He kept saying things like 'I just need time to get over you' and other bull crap like that. Now I see it as bullshit, but I can't help but be just a LITTLE resentful of Devin's little disappearing act. When Mat and I broke up, I was seventeen and Devin and I got back together. It was January something when we got together next--our third time dating--and Then on Valentines Day Eve, I went to a V-day dance with a friend, and my friend Zevon tried to teach me to waltz (Which, I very obviously don't know how to do) and Devin got angry with me.
His jealousy wasn't really a big deal to me, because I was secretly ten times more jealous than he was ever going to be in our relationship. But that night, he was just upset, and we broke up. I was at my Grandmother's house, crying in the middle of the night. I swore to the gods I'd never date him again.
I loved Devin so much, but, he hurt me bad.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
In April of that year, about two months or so later, Devin started texting me again after not talking to me for two months, and I was so mad. I was so mad that he would even start talking to me again like nothing had changed. I didn't know how he saw me, or what he thought my heart was doing in that time alone. Long distance relationships are not easy, but they aren't always horribly hard. But, with my relationship with Devin, I was always worried he'd leave me for no reason. Devin tried asking me out for a month before I said yes again. It was May 28th 2011 the day that we got together, and the day that we got engaged. I never told anyone that we got engaged the first day we got together, but I bought his ring and everything a few weeks later. We were serious. We were passionate.
I told Devin everything that I could have told him. Even the incredibly embarrassing things that he STILL knows to this day. For six months we were in love, and happy. Then, .. we just started having a rough patch. I still loved him every bit as much as I had before, but I was feeling like he was getting bored of me. So, out of spite I acted bored. I regret this so badly now, I do. I wish I hadn't done it, but there is no going back now. So, I couldn't get on the computer for four or five days and my phone had been off. Usually Devin called me when he needed me so I figured he would call me if something was going on. But he didn't call me for five days. I got on facebook and found out that he had changed his relationship status, and was now dating another girl named Olivia.
The hurt I felt can never be recreated, I don't think. For a few days I thought he'd been cheating and was just trying to give me up easily. Like ripping off a band aid or something. I cried. I wore the ring he bought me for our engagement around my neck for a long time. I still keep that thing locked away. I have parts of me that still love him, but he hurt me so bad, that I can't even pretend to ever forgive him for it. For two months, Devin ignored me, treated me like crap when I tried to talk to him, didn't even act as if he knew me, and actually deleted me from his friends list. I know that seems like something small, but for a long distance relationship a deleted friend on a list is a canceled relationship in real life. I feel like he hated me. He says he never did, but I feel like he did.
Now, my feelings toward Devin and his beautiful Olivia are much like a friend of a couple that belong together, and that's fine. I wont ever lie to Olivia, if she asks me, I will tell her that my love for him is still just as strong. But, I've put that energy toward being a good friend, and building a huge diamond wall around myself, so that he can never get that far into my soul again.
I thought Devin hurt me more than I could have ever be hurt before. I was never the same after that, my whole heart broke every single day after he left. I blogged about it, cried about it, and just hated every one.
Devin is now my friend, and I'd hope to have him as a best friend someday, but for now. I will stay away.
The Three Secret Parts of Me.
I know that I have a lot of more important things to talk about. However, I'd like to hit on three main people who have shaped my emotional and romantic lives in the past six years, simply because if I don't mention them, you'll never understand my emotions when I describe to you how achy I feel when I talk about love and romance. In my transition from childhood to adulthood, I came across these emotions in the most bitter way that I could have imagined it happening. Let's just say they cried wolf with me many times.
My relationships for the past four years has been long distance, over 1,000 miles away from where I live.
His name, was Mathew.
His name was Mathew Herring. He was one of the most interesting of boys I'd ever been with. We dated for about three months back in Florida, and then when I moved, we hadn't talked for a little while. Then I started talking to him about six months after I moved. Then he and I dated for four months, then he texted me and asked me to marry him. At the time, I was sixteen years old. I know, I was quite naive to think that a relationship would work so long distanced. However, at that age, I can clearly say I was thinking more thoroughly the possibilities of being married in less than a year. We were going to wait to be married when I was eighteen, which was only a year and a half away from the time we were engaged.
I think I loved Mathew. I thought he was adorable, I loved his goofy and irresistible nerdy personality. He made me laugh all of the time and always made me smile. However, even though my trust never faltered in him until it was too late... I should have been more aware. We were together for a total of seven months before I found out that was dating another girl. When I found out who she was, it turns out she was a girl who lived in my town, who saw him on my list and flirted with him. She told him that she was 18 years old, and she was truly 11. I broke the news to him, and also broke up with him.
Unfortunately, my naivety didn't end. I believed him when he told me he'd never do it again, and so I got back together with him. It was three weeks later, and a friend, Megan, messaged me and told me that he had had a child with her. It wasn't the thought that he cheated again that pissed me off. I was a tad bit more skeptical this time, so I kept good tabs. I know that's bad but, he's a cheater. It was the fact that he didn't plan on taking care of Joseph (his son) or even telling his future wife about it. I broke up with him after three days of fighting.
About a month and a half later, Megan made me Joseph's god mom. About three weeks after that, Joseph died from severe Asthma. I never met him. The sadness, and bitter anger I felt for Mat made me hate him, and hate the eleven year old that ruined our relationship. I still see her today and blame her for it, even though it was frankly his fault or cheating.
A little while later, probably about three months. I've already moved on to a boy named Devin, and I am happy. But I hear that Mathew is engaged, and so I message him to say congratulations. Mathew sends me a message telling me that he wishes it was me that he was still marrying and that he still cares for me. I bitched at him through text message. Saying that I would NEVER do to some woman, what he did to me and that he should be fully ashamed of himself.
I never heard from him after that. They are married now, I presume, and hopefully happy.
I go back to those emotions sometimes, to try and remember if I loved him or if I was just excited about being engaged. Now that I look back at it, I think it was just the thought of getting asked to be married that made me happy. I never planned on being engaged again. I never wanted to be.
Life only had so much in store for me.
My relationships for the past four years has been long distance, over 1,000 miles away from where I live.
His name, was Mathew.
I think I loved Mathew. I thought he was adorable, I loved his goofy and irresistible nerdy personality. He made me laugh all of the time and always made me smile. However, even though my trust never faltered in him until it was too late... I should have been more aware. We were together for a total of seven months before I found out that was dating another girl. When I found out who she was, it turns out she was a girl who lived in my town, who saw him on my list and flirted with him. She told him that she was 18 years old, and she was truly 11. I broke the news to him, and also broke up with him.
Unfortunately, my naivety didn't end. I believed him when he told me he'd never do it again, and so I got back together with him. It was three weeks later, and a friend, Megan, messaged me and told me that he had had a child with her. It wasn't the thought that he cheated again that pissed me off. I was a tad bit more skeptical this time, so I kept good tabs. I know that's bad but, he's a cheater. It was the fact that he didn't plan on taking care of Joseph (his son) or even telling his future wife about it. I broke up with him after three days of fighting.
About a month and a half later, Megan made me Joseph's god mom. About three weeks after that, Joseph died from severe Asthma. I never met him. The sadness, and bitter anger I felt for Mat made me hate him, and hate the eleven year old that ruined our relationship. I still see her today and blame her for it, even though it was frankly his fault or cheating.
A little while later, probably about three months. I've already moved on to a boy named Devin, and I am happy. But I hear that Mathew is engaged, and so I message him to say congratulations. Mathew sends me a message telling me that he wishes it was me that he was still marrying and that he still cares for me. I bitched at him through text message. Saying that I would NEVER do to some woman, what he did to me and that he should be fully ashamed of himself.
I never heard from him after that. They are married now, I presume, and hopefully happy.
I go back to those emotions sometimes, to try and remember if I loved him or if I was just excited about being engaged. Now that I look back at it, I think it was just the thought of getting asked to be married that made me happy. I never planned on being engaged again. I never wanted to be.
Life only had so much in store for me.
Hello, This is me.
I think that when I get started writing this blog, I may have to at least organize a little bit of what I say. I have started a million blogs before, and I tried my best to direct them to a certain topic or something, but I'm not really sure what this one is going to be. It may just be the blog I use to focus on my spiritual growth. I am trying to train myself to be more keen to my spirit, and my soul. Mainly, though, this may include my life, and things that mean very much to me. Seeing as those things are very important to spiritual growth. I have a lot of things happening in my life, and frankly, I want someone to tell it to. Maybe, this is who I am and this is the world that you may be entering. Mine. My world, and my place. I hope that I can write something that is worth your time.
Let's get started then, shall we? My name is Chelsey Liane Hardin. In 1992 I was born to a woman who raised me with two older brothers until I was two and a half, and then she brought me another brother. I have become close to these brothers throughout my whole life, and without them and our mother, I would have died a long time ago doing something stupid alone. I have a father, who didn't have to be my father. He's my step dad, and has loved me since I was two or three years old. He has been there for my mother always, even if he wasn't physically there. My mother moved around a lot with me and my younger brother while she went to college. It was kind of irritating at first, but now that I am older, I have friends whom I miss very much, and who are of great importance to me in different states. I hope to write a little bit about each of them on here sometime. I have grown into a young woman now, and life has done its fair share of abusing me emotionally. I know, dramatic, but seriously, that is what I feel at times. I know everyone goes through things, and the things that I have gone through aren't near as bad as everyone else's problems. But they are my problems. I had them and felt the pain along with them for a long time.
I gave up a lot of relationships I really wish I hadn't, lost touch with people I really wish I could get back into touch with, and I lost a lot of people I wish were still alive with me. I have emotional problems, I'm a teenage girl for gods sake. I have come close to being married, THREE TIMES, and have been broken hearted to the fullest extreme, three times. I have a nasty habit of getting my hopes up for people, and them letting me down. I have let down a few people in my life and plan to fix those problems someday. I love my family, and like I said earlier, without them. I would be a nobody, in no place. Right now, though, I am an aspiring somebody in microscopically small town Oklahoma. I hope to make a name for myself one day, but you know, it wont necessarily bother me not to. I think I've lowered my aspirations a little. I mean, I've kept my wild and crazy dreams in my head, and hope to achieve them one day, but I will settle for grand and happy in the end. Even if I'm a poor spinster with thirty seven cats, I'm sure I'll be fine!
I am writing a novel, and hope to tell you all about that in this blog. I feel like it would be something fun to write about. I like to write and this book is a big symbol in my life. I have started so many stories in my day, and have never even come close to finishing HALF of a book, but here I am, six chapters away from finishing my book. I plan on continuing the book into three books, but we'll see how it goes. If I can't publish it. I'll just put it on amazon for free so everyone can read it if they want to. I don't want fame. I just want to write, and have fun doing it.
I also have another dream, and that is to become a makeup artist for B horror movies. I know. Who aspires to work for crappy horror films? I do! More blood, and more amusing acting. Hell, I wouldn't mind acting them out. I love zombies, and I love thrillers.. If I could combine beautiful faces and horrible acting and turn them into horrible monsters trying to eat other horrible actors... I'll be totally happy. I'll post some of my makeup art on someday for you. Then you can tell me if I am any good, yes?
I hope, that if I cant get the B movie job, I'll double major in Psychology and Communications in College this January, and then become an Embalmer, so that I can do the makeup and reconstruction for the corpses at funeral homes. I know it's morbid, but, I have emotional reasons to do it. Another thing that I may tell you. Ha..
Well, I just want you all to know that I will talk forever and ever, about absolutely everything if you give me the chance. So, keep reading and maybe, you'll get to know just a tad bit about little ol' me.
Love the lovelies, Carpe Noctem,
Chels
Let's get started then, shall we? My name is Chelsey Liane Hardin. In 1992 I was born to a woman who raised me with two older brothers until I was two and a half, and then she brought me another brother. I have become close to these brothers throughout my whole life, and without them and our mother, I would have died a long time ago doing something stupid alone. I have a father, who didn't have to be my father. He's my step dad, and has loved me since I was two or three years old. He has been there for my mother always, even if he wasn't physically there. My mother moved around a lot with me and my younger brother while she went to college. It was kind of irritating at first, but now that I am older, I have friends whom I miss very much, and who are of great importance to me in different states. I hope to write a little bit about each of them on here sometime. I have grown into a young woman now, and life has done its fair share of abusing me emotionally. I know, dramatic, but seriously, that is what I feel at times. I know everyone goes through things, and the things that I have gone through aren't near as bad as everyone else's problems. But they are my problems. I had them and felt the pain along with them for a long time.
I gave up a lot of relationships I really wish I hadn't, lost touch with people I really wish I could get back into touch with, and I lost a lot of people I wish were still alive with me. I have emotional problems, I'm a teenage girl for gods sake. I have come close to being married, THREE TIMES, and have been broken hearted to the fullest extreme, three times. I have a nasty habit of getting my hopes up for people, and them letting me down. I have let down a few people in my life and plan to fix those problems someday. I love my family, and like I said earlier, without them. I would be a nobody, in no place. Right now, though, I am an aspiring somebody in microscopically small town Oklahoma. I hope to make a name for myself one day, but you know, it wont necessarily bother me not to. I think I've lowered my aspirations a little. I mean, I've kept my wild and crazy dreams in my head, and hope to achieve them one day, but I will settle for grand and happy in the end. Even if I'm a poor spinster with thirty seven cats, I'm sure I'll be fine!
I am writing a novel, and hope to tell you all about that in this blog. I feel like it would be something fun to write about. I like to write and this book is a big symbol in my life. I have started so many stories in my day, and have never even come close to finishing HALF of a book, but here I am, six chapters away from finishing my book. I plan on continuing the book into three books, but we'll see how it goes. If I can't publish it. I'll just put it on amazon for free so everyone can read it if they want to. I don't want fame. I just want to write, and have fun doing it.
I also have another dream, and that is to become a makeup artist for B horror movies. I know. Who aspires to work for crappy horror films? I do! More blood, and more amusing acting. Hell, I wouldn't mind acting them out. I love zombies, and I love thrillers.. If I could combine beautiful faces and horrible acting and turn them into horrible monsters trying to eat other horrible actors... I'll be totally happy. I'll post some of my makeup art on someday for you. Then you can tell me if I am any good, yes?
I hope, that if I cant get the B movie job, I'll double major in Psychology and Communications in College this January, and then become an Embalmer, so that I can do the makeup and reconstruction for the corpses at funeral homes. I know it's morbid, but, I have emotional reasons to do it. Another thing that I may tell you. Ha..
Well, I just want you all to know that I will talk forever and ever, about absolutely everything if you give me the chance. So, keep reading and maybe, you'll get to know just a tad bit about little ol' me.
Love the lovelies, Carpe Noctem,
Chels
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